I consider myself an organized person. I like to start projects and end them before moving on to the next. If I know I will not finish a project, it has to go into hiding (i.e. the unfinished dollhouse that hides in a closet at my parents' house, the cross-stiching of a lighthouse I started 6 years ago for a friend that hides in the attic, the t-shirt quilt I started a year ago hiding in the spare bedroom at my in-laws house). I say that these projects go into hiding - however, it is evident I remember all of these unfinished projects no matter how hard I try to hide them!
I am a planner, and I don't like it when events on my calendar overlap. When Cameron and I got engaged, I had it in my mind that we were going to wait 15 months until I was able to finish graduate school. It seemed logical to me to finish school before beginning marriage. One thing at a time! When talking to my mom about our intended date, she asked why we were waiting till I was done with school. I tried to give a very intelligent, grown up response - but she came back with some of the best advice I have ever received.
She told me that life does not fit into little boxes like I often envision it to be. You cannot live a happy life concealing everything to it's own box. Life does not happen one box at a time. It is filled with tons open boxes that we travel in between. Some we close, some we reopen, some are overflowing, some are empty, some are dumped altogether in a pile! Life is not tidy - it's messy. It's how we deal with the mess that makes or breaks us. The more I try to force life into separate enclosed boxes, the more stress I create for myself. Isn't it ironic?
Unfortunately, I still struggle with the box concept. I've felt so stressed lately and wasn't sure why. I realized this week it was because I had too many open boxes - which is a major source of stress for me! I am constantly trying to run back and forth between the boxes desperately trying to shut them, but they keep popping back open. I'm like a child running all over the playroom with what seems like hundreds of jack in the boxes all going off at once. How exhausting! I don't know why I always do this to myself - I guess it will always be my saga.
Boxes currently open: Training for the half-marathon, Getting my students prepared for the state tests, Waiting patiently for the right time to move to counseling, Wondering when or if I should start my LPC supervision, Getting ready for the school's site visit which I feel unprepared for, Debt, Debt, Debt, Student Loan Debt, Cameron's search for a full time position, Finishing the kitchen, Finishing the back room, Painting the outside of the house, Saving for a down payment on a new home, Saving in general, Searching for a new home, etc...
Whew.
Anxiety creeps around the corner when I focus trying to fit lids onto all these boxes. It stresses me out that I have all of these boxes open at once. I felt the need to try to close as many of them as I possibly could - and there I go with the jack in the boxes! These boxes are not going away any time soon and I need to be okay with that. I can work at some of them, but others are out of my control right now.
This week was good for me to take a step away from the boxes and look at them altogether with an objective eye. This is my life - my boxes are many, but they aren't that heavy. None of them are filled with cancer. None of them contain broken relationships. They are currently empty of grief.
I am thankful that I had time this week to think about my boxes. I know this is not the last time I will get stressed by trying to organize and label color coded boxes in my life. It's time to dump everything out on the floor and start over. Nothing can be as perfect and clean as I want it to be - and I'm still learning to be okay with that. I am blessed and that is where my focus needs to rest.
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